I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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