Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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