Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
