the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
