After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
