I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
