There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i will never coherently bang her
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
