I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
