Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The power of my boobs compel you
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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