She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
