If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
