I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
