So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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