Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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