im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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