fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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