Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize
