Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
