Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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