mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Randomize
