You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
