You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
do herpes really smell.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
