I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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