Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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