Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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