it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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