In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
