Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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