I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
