4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's Friday. Sex?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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