Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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