Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
