i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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