i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
