I puked a lego.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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