dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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