I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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