my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
