atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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