Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
did i just pee glitter
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
