Don't make out with my wife yet
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
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Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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