I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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