Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
