Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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