Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
