What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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