Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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