i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
