I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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