I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
