so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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