i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
