after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
