Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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