I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
