Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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