i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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