i wish my penis had a tongue
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
