I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
