My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
