This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
