The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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