I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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