Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My ass is underappreciated
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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