We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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